Coffins for the Living

"Demographic studies show that almost 100% of those who use coffins are dead." That was a note I jotted down in my cartoon idea note book. "Is there a way to expand the market outside of going on a shooting spree?" I added and promptly scratched out. Then I had a brilliant idea. Not a cartoon idea, but a genuine business idea. A way to double if not triple, quadruple the coffin--or as people in the trade refer to them, casket--market: sell to the living.

Caskets sell for between $1,000 and $10,000, and therefore is probably the most expensive piece of furniture anyone who's not a convicted CEO will ever use. Why shouldn't you get some use out of it while you're still alive? My uncle was buried in a casket with box springs. Box springs! The man didn't even sleep on box springs when he was alive. His last years of slumber could have been his most luxurious if he'd bought his casket before his death.

And the niche marketing opportunities! Futon lined caskets for crunchy granola types, IKEA casket-kits for do-it-yourselfers, and as a guest bed for those beset by out-of-town visitors over staying their welcomes. Caskets could fit into any room's decor with appropriate accessorizing. If made out of teak, it'd make a tasteful coffee table and since caskets have to be waterproof you could have a unique bathtub by adding a soap dispenser and a rubber ducky. The possibilities are endless.

I'm lousy at business so I'm going to let someone else run with this brilliant idea of mine. Oh, and before you try to sell me a casket, you should know that I plan on being cremated by ABC, Affordable Burial & Cremation Company of Newport.

McHumor.com's Cartoons about Funerals

McHumor.com's Cartoons about Heaven

McHumor's Cartoons about Hell

Is It Art or is it Gross Anatomy?

Twenty years ago I used to live in Washington D.C. and one of my favorite haunts was the Walter Reed Medical Museum. I don't even know if it still exists. Among other things it had very graphic displays of reconstructed faces after they'd been mutilated in various wars, the leg of a Civil War general who ordered a medic to preserve what was left of it after it had been severed by a cannon ball, the bloated leg of someone who had died of elephantiasis, lots of other diseased, abnormal and normal body parts in jars, the bullet that killed Lincoln, and what I believe was the world's largest collection of human embryos. Obviously it was not a museum suitable for everyone. Then again, I'm not suitable for everyone since the only thing I found gross in gross anatomy was the smell of formaldehyde.

I thought about this when I went this weekend to Portland to see Body Worlds, a special exhibit at OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry). It's got dozens of bodies and body parts that have undergone a process called plastination. How to describe it? Corpses have been stripped of their skin, plastic has been injected into their muscles and other remaining tissues and then posed in amazing and stunning positions.

The exhibit has been surrounded by controversy. Is it ethical to display bodies--especially still anatomically correct ones--in a museum? OMSI and Body World officials say that it's all been done for educational purposes, to get people interested in anatomy and to show people what happens if you smoke, drink or partake of other unhealthy lifestyle choices. None of it, they say, was done for prurient purposes.

And are the plastinates--as the preserved bodies are called--art? The poses they're in are striking. The first case you encounter at the OMSI exhibit has a man holding his skin that has been peeled off his well muscled body. When I saw it I let out an audible "Woah!" As I went through the exhibit, I said "Woah" more times that I've ever said in a single afternoon . . . except for the time that I was on an ill tempered horse, but I'll save that story for a future blog.

My take on the controversy? Since all the bodies were donated by people who knew what was in store for them in the after life, is it any worse than having fifteen minutes of fame by being a contestant on Survivor or Are You Smarter than A Fifth Grader?

Frankly, what disturbed me most was that there weren't any bodies posed in positions we're all more likely to find ourselves in on a daily basis. They had a skate boarder in the middle of a flip, his male organs a'fly'n, a hurdler in mid hurdle with brain slices coming out of his skull and a fellow balancing on three balls while holding all his internal organs in the air. Where was the couch potato with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other, or a blogger hunched over a computer? Apparently the plastination process removes not only all the body's liquids, but the fat, too, so I imagine some of these folks may look better in death than they did in life. Still, I think I'm only volunteering as an organ donor. No everlasting fame for me.

McHumor.com's Medical Cartoons

OMSI

Body Worlds Web Site

Pets? Friends or Foes?

Between Michael Vick's involvement in dogfighting and yet another person in suburban Portland being mauled by a pit bull, dogs have received a lot of press recently in the Oregonian. My family is worried that my dog, Sweet Pea, will kill me. Well, not exactly kill. Just be the cause my death. It's not that she--a large dog pound mutt, a malamutt, so to speak--is a dangerous dog. She's more of a hazard than anything. Speed Bump is one of her nick names because she's always under foot. Whenever I move, she and my cat, Inky also move. Sometimes I feel like the president and the secret service. I get up from my desk and she perks up. "She's on the move," she signals to the cats. "Get ready to swarm in case she decides to go down stairs."

My family's fears aren't totally with out foundation. My uncle died due to complications from injuries he suffered after tripping over his dog. It could have been worse. She could have been his therapy dog. She was a shepherd as I recall. Maybe that's why shepherds are on various lists of "Dangerous Dogs."

Sweet Pea's best friend is my cat, Inky. Actually, I think they're more than friends, if you know what I mean. I just wish they wouldn't flaunt the fact that some in the house have a love life. At least they're both fixed (although I don't think they think they were broken before) so I don't have to worry about baby mutants, even though I'm sure they'd be cute. Also since Sweet Pea's a she and Inky's a he, folks in the Red states can't object.

McHumor.com's Animal Cartoons

Pimping My MySpace Profile

A real-world friend of mine convinced me that I could drum up business by posting a page on MySpace, so post a page I did, http://www.myspace.com/tmccracken. Within minutes someone named Tom emailed that he wanted to be my friend, quite a heady experience for someone who's socially awkward. Usually people in high school only wanted to be my friend when they needed me to help them with their homework.

According to Tom's profile he has 190,892,016 friends. Even though Tom must spend most of his time writing his Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa cards, he was kind enough to say that he would be glad to help me figure out how to get the most out of MySpace. Alas, he added a p.s.: "One thing I can't help you with is HTML/decorating your profile." Apparently if you want to be one of the cool people on MySpace you have to "Pimp" your Profile. Having a page with a plain white back ground and helvetica type is about as geeky as wearing black sneakers in high school in the 1970s.

To pimp properly you should know programing code. Don't know programing code? Don't worry, MySpace tells you. There are many people on MySpace who know code who will want to be your friend.

I looked at several MySpace page templates. Glitter, cuddly animals and flaming skulls are popular motifs. I'm thinking of creating my own template with black sneakers.

Meanwhile, I have already had a business offer due to MySpace. Monica, a talent scout from www.TeaseEntertainment.com, asked me to become one of their "performers." According to her I can make up to $100 an hour. Who knew there were so many people out there willing to pay $3 a minute to chat with a 50 year old woman who's added a few minutes to the hour glass figure she had in college? I wonder if they'll pay extra if I take off my sneakers while "performing."

I welcome any "pimping" suggestions you may have.

McHumor.com's Computer Cartoons

Weeds & Unfunded Satellites

I spent much of the weekend doing battle with the jungle that's grown up around my house in the last year. I have an ancient DR Field brush cutter that's not quite as old as my Electrolux vacuum, but it's still old. DRs are those mowers where in the advertisements someone rolls through what looks like an old growth forest and leaves behind something that looks like a golf course. Well, no one would mistake my yard for a golf course, but that's OK. The brush is gone and that was the purpose of the Weed Wacker Massacre. I used to fight forest fires with the U.S. Forest Service, so I can't claim ignorance about what precautions a responsible home owner should take to reduce their chances of losing a home in a fire.

Now if I could only protect my home from space junk. There are several un-funded satellites out there that have refrigerator-size pieces of titanium in them that won't burn up on reentry, and I just know that one of them is going to come crashing through the skylight above my bed. I'm not sure how I know this, but I know this is how I'm going to die. I see it clearly. I'm going to be snuggled between my cat and dog gazing dreamily at the stars when a satellite hurtles toward us. Obviously, the most dangerous place for me is my bed. One advantage of this knowledge is that I don't worry worry about cancer, car accidents and other things that might kill you. Be safe.

McHumor's Forest Cartoons

McHumor's Space Cartoons

Wind, Fog & a Mediterranean Like Climate

Another scorcher on the coast: 68° Fahrenheit, 20° Celsius. Usually we have fog and wind in the summer. Despite this, 100 years ago in the Willamette Valley they advertised that the coast had a Mediterranean like climate. At that point, though, the big draw here was alcohol, not the climate. Much of the Willamette Valley was dry and booze has always flowed freely here. Given enough to drink, you , too, might think you were in the south of France when on a beach in Lincoln County.

The fact is, the hotter it is inland, the foggier and windier it is here. If it's 100° in Corvallis and Eugene, two things happen. Folks in Corvallis and Eugene say: "It's hot here. Let's go to the coast where it's foggy and windy," and they come wearing shorts and flip flops and because it's foggy and windy they're cold and they end up buying a coastal sweat shirt. A month goes by and once again it's 100° inland, and once again folks come from the Willamette Valley and once again they come wearing shorts and flip flops and once again they buy coastal sweatshirts. Open people's closets inland, and surely dozens of coastal sweat shirts tumble out of them. That's OK. It keeps our economy rolling. Keep cool.

McHumor's Weather Cartoons

Slug Sex

I can't believe I've been writing this blog for almost a week and no one has asked me about my fascination with slugs mating. Apparently sex only sells so far. Would a web page titled "The Mating Life of the Ariolimax columbianus" get any hits? Oh well. It's my blog, so here goes.

A common rule in nature is that if it’s smaller than you, eat it; if it’s bigger than you,you run from it; and if it’s the same size as you,you mate with it. That in part explains the behavior of a sea slug, a nudibranch (Navanax inermis) that will try to eat each other, and if they fail at that, they mate. Imagine the after mating conversation. One lights a cigarette, inhales deeply and says: “Hope you didn’t take my trying to eat you personally."

The most common slug around here is the banana slug, Ariolimax columbianus. It's closely related to Ariolimax dolichophallus which translates to a slug with a big--how shall I put this--a big Male Organ, an MO for short, an MO that can swell to lengths longer than their body. They’re also related Ariolimax californicus brachyphallus which translates to a slug from California with a small MO. Take that California!

Speaking of large MOs, a starling’s sex organs weight 1,500 times as much during mating season as they do the rest of the year.

But I digress. Back to the mating habits of slugs. Slugs take their time doing just about everything, even mating. They take hours to mate, sometimes days. Before you start to get jealous, I should mention that they get so into the act that to uncouple they sometimes need to gnaw off their large MOs. Their large MOs? As in both of them have MOs? Yeah. They're hermaphrodites (i.e. they have both sex organs). Good thing, otherwise you can imagine the couple counseling they'd need after one of them gnawed off the other's MO.

In red states? Well. I'm sure slug sex isn't allowed in red states.

Maybe sometime I'll write about why it takes a minimum of three whales to mate.

McHumor's Relationship Cartoons